This Monday, I came across a tweet.
And I died. I don’t want to go into the details about the immenseness of my love for this actor, but let’s say our relationship started about 16 years ago and is the kind of love that stands the test of time. It’s twue wuv, which will fowwow you fowevewr. It’s the best thing in the world, except for a nice MLT. You think this happens every day? Death cannot stop it, all it can do is delay it for a while.
I could go on.
But I won’t.
The problem with this tweet was that there is a Union Square in my city, but there were not enough specifics about the location. What city are we talking about here? WHAT CITY, CARY??
Because as much as I’d love to see him, I couldn’t really handle the fact that this was sprung on me so suddenly. I’ve heard this is an introvert thing—we really don’t like being put on the spot, like being asked for quick extemporaneous opinions, and we usually need some time to mentally prepare for social events. Maybe its more of an INTJ thing, or a certain-people-regardless-of-their-introvertedness thing, or just a me thing.
Luckily, I stalked around the internet and found out that Monday he was way over in New York, but this coming Tuesday he would indeed be in San Francisco. Just a few blocks from my office. So I, like, have to go, right?
But who will go with me? Can I convince any of the friends I’ve made here to join? They haven’t known me very long, so they can’t comprehend how major this is for me. They’ll have to want to go for themselves… Who’s the most likely choice? Should I ask individually or as a group? What would get a better response? I don’t want to corner anyone but maybe if one of them says yes in a group message others will too. Or maybe it’ll be easier for them to say no if they see no one is taking the bait.
And then, what will I wear? It’s gotta be that perfect mix of classy adult but still youthful enough that it’s kind of cute how obsessive I was/am, with just a hint of yes I’ll totally make out with you for a few minutes sir since you’re asking.
And what kind of shoes should I wear? Should they be sensible or can they be hot? Is the location close enough that I can walk? How long will it take me to get there? Once I figure this out, I can plug the data into a complicated formula to figure out what time I should leave work. It’s something like
Start time of the event – (amount of travel time in minutes x 1.5 [slow walking so I’m not all sweaty when I get there] + 15 minutes to touch up makeup before I start walking + 5 minutes to pee because I’m a very well-hydrated woman + 30 minutes to get there early to stand in line or get a good seat) = the time I should walk out my office door
Also, how should I paint my nails? If I do a good job, they might start a conversation for me. Very helpful if I get tongue-tied. In which case, they’ve got to be impressive enough to be noticed, but easy enough that I can do them actually impressively. And when should I paint them? Not Monday night, although that would make them look the freshest for Tuesday, because I don’t want to be up late the night before because eye-bags and crankypants. Probably should paint them on Sunday.
And—oh God, what if I have the opportunity to say something? Like, what if there’s a Q&A? I’ve got to come up with the perfect question, like, insightful but not too taxing. And unique. That shows how deep I am and how much I know about the movie/him. But not in a terrifying way. That he didn’t answer in his book already, and
—crap! I have to read his book. What if he asks me what my favorite part was? Why would he ask me, specifically? I’m just one girl in the crowd here, Cary, why you puttin’ me on the spot? I should read it though. Just in case.
But what if they give you a copy as part of the event? I don’t want to buy a copy to read and then get another one at the event. That’d be dumb. I know, I’ll get the audiobook version and listen to the whole thing, then get a physical copy for him to sign, and
—shit! What am I going to do when he signs the book in front of me? I have to keep it together, although I’m pretty sure I’ll end up about as cool as Mr. Ben Wyatt.
I should practice what I’ll say, so I don’t stumble over my words or let my nerves take over and say nothing at all. It should be cute, distinctive, and give just the tiniest glimpse into the bottomless pit of my obsession without freaking him the fuck out. Holy crap, is this really happening? And it should be short because they’ll want to keep the line moving. Maybe I’ll tell him about how I printed his complete filmography off of IMDB back when IMDB first started, and kept the pages in a binder and crossed off the films I’d already seen and highlighted the ones I could track down at Blockbuster or the library or that weird independent rental place under that hipster bar until I’d seen as many as were feasible at the time? Yeah, that shows how dedicated and how organized I am. Boys like an organized crazy woman.
…
So, you see, this is why I usually say no to spontaneous invites to things that don’t have enough of a lead up. There’s a lot of insanity for my brain to process before I can get a plan together so I feel comfortable enough to get me somewhere. It’s taxing.
—was that a bird?
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