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Have you ever gotten good news that really just made you feel worse than before you heard it?
I’ll give you an example. Two years ago, when I was fresh out of college and fresh out of job prospects, I was asked to come back for a second interview at a “marketing” company up in Indy. I was super excited — this was the farthest I’d gotten on the hiring process all summer. I drove up in my snappy little suit, and found out I’d be shadowing one of the marketing reps for a full 8-hour day. I proceeded to go on about 15 cold calls to businesses in the outlying Indianapolis areas trying to sell them credit card processing services. At about noon, I thought, “Ok, ok. I could do this. If I really had to, I could do this. Plus there’ll be training for a few weeks, then a shadowing period, so it’s not like I’ll just be thrown into it.” But at the first stop after lunch, I realized, “Hell no. Hell. NOOOOOOOO. I have to get the fuck outta here, this is the worst thing for me ever. There is no way I could do this even for one day. No matter how desperate.”
So we got back to the office, and after a short discussion between the supervisor and the girl I was following all day, they called me in. And offered me the job. On the spot. My stomach fell to my toes, and I squeaked out that I’d need some time. I smiled, shook their hands, got in my car, and started crying hysterically. I pulled over to a McDonald’s to call my bff. Here was a job, a real-life money-making job, here in my hands. This was the farthest I’d gotten after months of rejection. What if there was nothing but this available to me? But how on earth could I force myself to go back there. It was good news that destroyed my fragile emotions. It was confusing…
I eventually calmed down, got in my car, and on the drive home realized what I’d known all along: this was not the job for me. It was just something that could be done by someone with my capabilities. But it wasn’t mine. Mine would come, eventually, and if I had to wait a little longer for it, then so be it. It would be just that much sweeter when I found it.
I recently got some news that — while good and overdue — made me really depressed. I liken it to finding out you’re really good at something you don’t want to be really good at. Like, strangling kittens. I mean, sure, it’s nice to know that you have a certain skill-set, but it doesn’t mean I want to be strangling kittens for the rest of my life.
If a decision is really tearing you up inside, if it makes you nauseous to think about acting on that “good news”, well, you know the answer then, don’t you?
…I’d take some scissors to an old pair of jeans if I didn’t have me some baggy shorts today. The Indiana summer makes white trash of us all. Doesn’t this look like a great idea right about now?
(By the way, doesn’t this just look like a stroke of genius?)
Let’s not even talk about the Bluegrass festival I went to with my dad this weekend. I’m surprised I only saw one representation of the Confederate flag. It was only on a t-shirt lapel anyway. And in case you were thinking, “Who the hell would go to a Bluegrass festival in southern Indiana?”, tell me you didn’t see O Brother, Where Art Thou and wish you could sing with the Soggy Bottom Boys. They were at the festival, btw (the real band, not that pretty George Clooney) and they were great. There’s something sort of ethereal and primordial about this music that calls to me…
Makes me wish I’d followed my mother’s dream to become Jenny Lou, the country star.
I drove to work on Thursday through the very beginning of a thunderstorm. The sky was that dark green that portends tornadoes, it was sprinkling in a menacing way, and in my peripheral vision I could see bright flashes reflected in the clouds. I looked for something to appreciate on such a dreary day…
I came to a stop and looked up: the most fantastic streaks of lightning were passing between clouds in a mesmerizing pattern. How could something so powerful and deadly look so delicate? It made my breath catch. Seeing a definable bolt of lightning is so rare I felt privileged to witness it. Time seemed to pause for a split second as I watched the bright lines linger in the sky for longer than seemed possible. Like so many of the rarest and most beautiful moments in life, an event you expected to flash by all too quickly is suspended for just a heartbeat longer and imprinted indelibly in your memory.
I used to see God in every sunrise. As my faith faltered and my cynicism grew, my sight edged lower and lower until I only saw the ground directly in front of me. And it was wet. And covered in mud. And it would probably freeze later anyway, and I’d probably fall on my big fat butt in front of a crowd of cute, guitar-playing Frenchmen. I remember a day as a junior in college when I looked up on my way to class, and noticed not only how downward-focused I was, but everything I’d been missing. The beautiful colors of the autumn leaves. The way the sun found a hole through the clouds. A squirrel using his tail as an umbrella. Now I see the sunrise again, and although everyone else in Eastern Standard Time can look at the exact same thing, I feel like I’m the only person to see it.
Pay attention. There’s beauty all around you; there’s something to lift your spirit. Look up.
This whole concept of “energy” seems to have been following me around for awhile.
1) First I heard it from Dog Whisperer Ceasar Milan… suuure, I just change my energy by thinking calmly and assertively and dogs will behave and follow me around and clean up their own poop. I mean, how can you trust such a well-manicured man? I believe that he uses his unnaturally white teeth to hypnotize people and their dogs.
2) Then I came across Jill Bolte-Taylor’s incredible Ted speech. Jill is a neuroscientist who suffered a stroke in her early thirties, and she tells the amazing story of experiencing her body and mind shut down from the inside during her stroke. After the stroke, she could no longer understand speech, but she could understand energy. Positive energy in those around her helped her heal; negative energy drained her. At our most basic level – once you strip away your internal dialogue, language, memory of your life story – you are simply an animal who responds to the energy around you.
3) Finally, the physician father of one of my coworkers (and good friend) came to our office to speak about managing stress through Heart Math. He talked about the physical and chemical reactions your body has to stress, and how shifting your energy into a positive area will improve your health and lead to a virtuous cycle – the more positive you are, the more your body makes the chemicals that make you feel happy, etc.
I remember that in high school I was disgusted by and admittedly jealous of those people who seemed eternally, unapologetically happy all the time. The cheerleaders of life, they walked the halls with a bright smile on their face and were easily excited by the smallest of good fortune. I wondered what would happen if I smiled more, even when I didn’t feel like it. What would happen if I celebrated small victories with more than my natural sarcastic and oh-so-hip indifference?
So I tried it. I walked around with a smile on my face. I giggled with joy when a boy looked at me in the hall. I did a dance in my head at every Aced test (and don’t fool yourself, there were quite a few). I felt silly at first, but then I noticed that it got easier and easier. I smiled in the morning and then I felt like smiling all day. You can fake your way into a true good mood.
In the words of Dr. McKinley, “Instead of letting something aggravate you, find something about it to appreciate.” Your boss is going to keep coming to your desk and demanding unreasonable deadlines from you. Instead of tensing your jaw and your butt cheeks every time she approaches, appreciate the fact that at least she waited until after lunch to ruin your day. Appreciate that she got dressed today. Appreciate that she hasn’t fired you. Instead of grumbling at the rain on your way to work, take a moment to look up and appreciate the mysterious beauty of the lightning show that’s playing out thousands of feet above you.
Change your energy any way you can, even if you have to fake it at first. See if you don’t feel happier in spite of your cynical and oh-so-hip self.
Yes this is from one of those Facebook-frenzied memes that is sooo two months ago, but it was an exercise that reminded me why I loved blogging. So sue me.
25 Things
1. When I was little, I wanted to BE a cat.
2. I’m a little bit afraid of stairs. I have to be able to see my feet when I go down. I think this is due to my natural lack of balance.
3. I probably have the largest privately-owned collection of nail polish. I keep it in my purple Caboodle circa 1992. This is probably due to my Catholic school upbringing where nail polish was strictly prohibited.
4. Despite my fluctuations in belief, sitting through a Catholic mass in France and in Ireland was amazingly comforting and safe. I love the beautiful, peaceful austerity of a quiet church when no one’s around.
5. I get my cruel sarcasm from my mom, and my goofy inappropriate humor from my dad.
6. I’m kind of a wizard at Excel. And PowerPoint. Most Office products.
7. I love live musical performances.
8. When I was 2, my mom was asked to have me participate in a research experiment. There were 3 stairs of varying heights, each with a box of toys at the top, the goal being to see which set of stairs the toddlers would climb. I sat down on the nearest flight and played with the styrofoam lining the stairs so the kids wouldn’t fall off. The researchers told my mom that my data was unusable.
9. I think maybe I should have been born a gay man. What with the love of Bette Midler and musicals and such.
10. I like being fancy.
11. I totally won the girl’s division in our first grade typing class. I didn’t even practice.
12. I never thought I’d be a dog owner. (But I like it).
13. My biggest pet peeve is when people make intransitive verbs transitive. Like, “Thank you for shopping Kmart,” or “David Copperfield will vanish 18 people from the audience!” My biggest pet peeve also makes me sound like an ass.
14. I wanted to be an interior decorator until my dad told me I was too smart for that.
15. If I could do anything and not worry about money, I’d be a writer. Mostly random thoughts like David Sedaris… I don’t have the patience to form a fully-developed story.
16. I was constantly in awe when I was in France. I couldn’t believe I was actually seeing the things I’d read about, and there was a part of me that believed I could never go.
17. I hate the shape I’ve become.
18. I loved working at a TV station, even though my job was technical and boring. I just liked being around the action.
19. I’m probably thinking “That’s what she said” after 85% of the sentences you say.
20. In high school, I made a pact with my 2 best friends that if we weren’t in serious relationships (or maybe if we hadn’t had a serious relationship) by the time we were 30 we’d go into a convent together. But as that future started to look a little too close I decided I’d rather be a crazy cat lady instead. Because then you don’t have to be good and quiet, and I can throw cats at people.
21. I can’t believe my incredible dumb luck at finding someone who can put up with all this craziness.
22. I saw Star Wars: Phantom Menace 7 times. In the theater.
23. I saw Kid Rock in concert. With my mom. Tenacious D opened.
24. I never thought I’d find a group of friends as amazing as my high school posse until I went to France. I’m so proud of all of my friends and what they’re doing in the world.
25. The most comforting place to me is a bookstore. When I’m really depressed I’ll go browse for an hour or two.
And we’re workin’ on the design here, please be patient.
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