My name is Jen and I’m an introvert

jtal — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 15:21:38 +0000

“Introvert” is one of the most misunderstood words in our vocabulary. You could have knocked me over with a feather boa when, a month ago, one of my coworkers responded, “You’re not introverted!” as I used the term to describe myself. This was followed a week or so later by another coworker describing a discussion he had about me, where he claimed I was not shy and was actually quite communicative.

You see I’ve been shy all my life. Plenty of friends, I’ve just never been outgoing enough to be popular or widely noticed. I’m always surprised when people remember me from a class. It’s startling, this new image of me not as a shy little mouse, but as more of a standoffish cat who will allow you the pleasure of having your lap occupied by it it once you’ve passed inspection. And while it certainly is a function of my growing up, I think it’s more a result of my understanding of this label: introvert.

It has a vaguely negative connotation, for some reason that I can’t understand. People who are not introverted treat the word as an insult (“You’re not an introvert!” my coworker immediately exclaimed, as if coming to my defense), and people who are treat it as a chronic condition that has to be coped with all your life. No matter what anyone claims, you cannot change your vertedness from intro- to extra-. You simply get a better grasp of it.

Introverted does not mean you don’t like people. It doesn’t mean you’d rather be by yourself than with others. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to participate in class, that you don’t want to be noticed or the center of attention. It’s a description of energy — it is more natural for you to focus your energy internally, or on just one person, than to project it out to everyone around you.

For me, it takes a lot of energy to meet new people, to be in a large group, or to express myself in structured group settings. I can do it, it’s just exhausting. For a long time, I couldn’t see the benefit — why should I use up my precious energy on people I don’t even know and don’t care about? My job at an ad agency has forced me to talk to every single person in the company, to speak constantly to clients, to meet new vendors and travel to new situations. To voice my opinion in meetings. To communicate with people from different age groups and from different backgrounds. While my years here have been valuable experience to my professional development, the way they’ve forced me to grow personally is priceless.

So how did I possibly come so far, with such grace and beauty and confidence, as an introverted individual? Here are my tips on how to work through one’s introversion:

Acceptance. Repeat after me (to yourself, in your head, obviously): I am an introvert, and I am still a contributing member of society.
Don’t fight it. You are an introvert (weren’t you listening to yourself just now?). You always will be. Don’t try and force yourself to be outgoing, because you know what’s going to happen? You do know. You won’t succeed. You’ll sit there and not say anything and then you’ll feel bad and be mad at yourself for being you.
Find a benefit to exerting yourself. The only way you’ll participate is if you can identify how it will help you. You’ll get the answer to a problem. You’ll hear a really good story about someone’s life. (You’ll get to tell it later.) You’ll open doors of opportunity for yourself. You’ll start a relationship with someone who could be you future best friend, your future employer, your future husband, your future babysitter. Who knows?
Recharge. Probably the most important one for me. When I say that it’s exhausting to talk to new people, I mean it literally drains me. I’m emotionally tired, my tongue is tired, my brain is tired, my cheeks are tired, my energy is depleted. I have to restore my energy by resting in a quiet area, by myself, not having to talk to anyone. Why, right now I’m sitting in the quiet hallway of the basement of the library, outside some administrative offices. I was going to go to the cafeteria, or upstairs to a study area. But there would be too many people around dividing my attention. Even if they were being (mostly) quiet. What with all the shushing librarians. Plus there are the ghosts. There really must be ghosts in this building, it’s too spooky not to be haunted. Gee, I hope they don’t like the basement…

So there it is. If you’re introverted, I hope you can commiserate and maybe this was helpful for you. If you’re extroverted, I hope this sheds some light on the introverts around you. We live among you, sometimes out in the open, sometimes hidden behind tiring smiles. Do not be afraid of us. Give us a hug.

What’s the ZIP code out in the ether?

jtal — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 01:47:16 +0000

This whole concept of “energy” seems to have been following me around for awhile.

1) First I heard it from Dog Whisperer Ceasar Milan… suuure, I just change my energy by thinking calmly and assertively and dogs will behave and follow me around and clean up their own poop. I mean, how can you trust such a well-manicured man? I believe that he uses his unnaturally white teeth to hypnotize people and their dogs.

2) Then I came across Jill Bolte-Taylor’s incredible Ted speech. Jill is a neuroscientist who suffered a stroke in her early thirties, and she tells the amazing story of experiencing her body and mind shut down from the inside during her stroke. After the stroke, she could no longer understand speech, but she could understand energy. Positive energy in those around her helped her heal; negative energy drained her. At our most basic level – once you strip away your internal dialogue, language, memory of your life story – you are simply an animal who responds to the energy around you.

3) Finally, the physician father of one of my coworkers (and good friend) came to our office to speak about managing stress through Heart Math. He talked about the physical and chemical reactions your body has to stress, and how shifting your energy into a positive area will improve your health and lead to a virtuous cycle – the more positive you are, the more your body makes the chemicals that make you feel happy, etc.

I remember that in high school I was disgusted by and admittedly jealous of those people who seemed eternally, unapologetically happy all the time. The cheerleaders of life, they walked the halls with a bright smile on their face and were easily excited by the smallest of good fortune. I wondered what would happen if I smiled more, even when I didn’t feel like it. What would happen if I celebrated small victories with more than my natural sarcastic and oh-so-hip indifference?

So I tried it. I walked around with a smile on my face. I giggled with joy when a boy looked at me in the hall. I did a dance in my head at every Aced test (and don’t fool yourself, there were quite a few). I felt silly at first, but then I noticed that it got easier and easier. I smiled in the morning and then I felt like smiling all day. You can fake your way into a true good mood.

In the words of Dr. McKinley, “Instead of letting something aggravate you, find something about it to appreciate.” Your boss is going to keep coming to your desk and demanding unreasonable deadlines from you. Instead of tensing your jaw and your butt cheeks every time she approaches, appreciate the fact that at least she waited until after lunch to ruin your day. Appreciate that she got dressed today. Appreciate that she hasn’t fired you. Instead of grumbling at the rain on your way to work, take a moment to look up and appreciate the mysterious beauty of the lightning show that’s playing out thousands of feet above you.

Change your energy any way you can, even if you have to fake it at first. See if you don’t feel happier in spite of your cynical and oh-so-hip self.

The Extraordinarily Ordinary » energy

My name is Jen and I’m an introvert

What’s the ZIP code out in the ether?