I’m’a take a break from the France documentation and muse for a minute… about the future… and worry… and brownies.
I have somehow found in me a blind confidence in my future self. I’d like to think it’s because I’ve proven that whatever happens, I can persevere, but it’s more likely that I’ve found that to be the best tool to combat anxiety. Whenever something looms on the horizon like a double rainbow of doom, and I find myself wondering, “How will I get all this done before the deadline?” or “How can I possibly juggle all these responsibilities?” or “How will I give a speech to a class of self-important, pretentious film studies PhD candidates when I have no idea what they’re talking about half the time?” my answer is simply, “Well, I will.”
It doesn’t matter how, and if I can’t start preparing myself yet, or function any better than I currently am, it’s enough to leave it at that. “I will. Somehow.” Once you say these words to yourself, it frees you of your doubt and stress and allows you to… do. Because, really, what’s the alternative?
Sometimes in high school and college I would sit and worry that my future self would let my current self down, by not fulfilling our dreams. I think current (future) self has done alright, though (if we do say so ourselves), and if I could I’d go back to past (current) self, shake her by the shoulders and say, “HEY. It’s gonna be ok. Keep calm and carry on, young one.” And maybe, “Here’s a warm brownie and some milk.” Because nothing could be wrong with that combo in hand. In mouth. In tummy.
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